Monday, September 5, 2011

The 3 Craziest Phone Cases

Phone cases are made by people who can’t invent smart things but want to make money from them anyway. When someone’s contribution to modern computing is “That smartphone would look even better if we put glitter on it”, you could probably be sued by the word “contribution.” Most cases are inflicted on hardware by people unqualified to use it, and while we’ve looked at silly, stupid, and spectacularly expensive cases before, these are the insane ones.
The Saddest Case
This isn’t a product, it’s an actual call for help. And the only way to make a call with a phone which ensures people won’t talk to you. Even a wrong number to a stranger will get you a few words of human contact, but when they see you gripping a disembodied hand they wouldn’t exchange two words with you even if the rate was a million dollars per word.
Just in case there’s any doubt what market this phone case is for, and why the hand defaults to “gentle grip” posture, each model is named after the girl they’re allegedly from. The owners are so scarily lonely they’d probably have a panic attack if their phones rang. It could double as a cheap date for Thing, but even the Addams family wouldn’t have this horror in the house.
The Dangerous Case
Faced with the features of modern phones, you might ask if there’s anything they can’t do. Well, they can’t fly through the air or deploy Inspector Gadget-style springy shoes to save themselves from long falls. Not yet.
A patent filed by Amazano CEO Jeff Bezos suggests an inflatable airbag, extensible springs, and even a mid-air gas-propelled reorientation system to save a carelessly dropped phone. That’s more propulsive parts than Wile E. Coyote uses, and it’ll likely work about as well. We’re not saying that installing a compressed air cartridge primed to go off at an instants notice, then holding that device next to your face, is sure to go wrong. Because we don’t have to. What’s worse, this is a classic phone patent of writing down the idea first without the faintest notion of how to practically build the technology – meaning it’ll be one more phone lawsuit waiting to punish the people who actually invent the working technology. Though this one is much less likely than most.
The Handgun Case
Many people have lost their lives to their iPhone, but that’s because they’ve replaced actually doing things with Angry Birds and checking Facebook.
Juniortan of thingiverse crafted a Ruger revolver case for his iPhone so that he can tuck it into his belt, approximately once. His plan is to walk out in public and then – after a sudden noise – pull it out quickly in public. Try that near a police officer and you’ll be filled with so much lead you’ll block the phone’s reception.


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